Speaking as one of X Factor’s biggest fans, with the dog-eared Jedward mask to prove it, all the speculation about Cheryl jetting off to America to make her fortune (well, even more of a fortune) got boring about three months ago.
When it was finally confirmed that she was joining the show, we were relieved – at least it would put an end to the hourly rehashed rumours in which sources close to Cheryl/Simon Cowell/Kimberley Walsh’s budgie’s mum would definitely maybe kind of imply that that she certainly probably theoretically would be on the show.
Were we sad to see Cheryl go? Yes, so much so that we eventually perfected her trademark technique of crying out of one eye while a contemporary pop hit with soaring string section and emotional key change played in the background. But we were excited too – our Cheryl-obsessed, now slightly bloodshot eyes enjoyed scrutinising pictures of her rocking up at the auditions in pretty polka-dot dresses.
We hoped she’d finally get over Ashley and bag herself a sexy American boyfriend (not tedious little Derek Hough – we were thinking more along the lines of Justin Timberlake).
We were also looking forward to mocking the inevitable Joss Stone accent she’d soon acquire, given that her new audience apparently couldn’t understand a word she said, like.
But it turns out all of this has been more pointless than Sinitta. And the worst thing about it?
Now we have to prepare ourselves for yet more mind-numbing speculation about the past, present and future of Cheryl and the show.
Did she jump or was she pushed? Did she know she was being screwed by Simon, hopefully only in one sense of the word?
Has she fallen out with Nicole Scherzinger? Is that even how you spell Scherzinger? And how does Cheryl feel now? Is she happy? Grumpy? Dopey? Doc? Bashful?
The whole thing is utterly ridiculous and has turned the X Factor into one big joke.
The role of the pretty, fluffy, popstar judge who can endure the occasional innuendo and occasional insult from Simon should be easy to fill and shouldn’t overshadow the show itself.
Imagine if normal workplaces operated like this. “You’re hired! Have millions of dollars and all the shoes in the world! No, wait, you’re fired - we’ve found someone who doesn’t have a stupid accent, plus her boyfriend’s a super cool racing driver.
You’ll be fine though – you can have your old job back… no, actually, sorry, some bird from N-Dubz might be doing it instead and we’re a bit scared of her so… yeah… we’re not quite sure yet, to be honest. Sorry pet. Don’t sue us, yeah?”
We'd like to say we'll be forced to boycott the X Factor in protest at this farce, but that would really mess with our social life. It's OK though, we'll still come out of it with more conviction and integrity than Simon Cowell's currently exhibiting.
Best case scenario for Cheryl now: UK X Factor and a Girls Aloud reunion. Worst case scenario: Geordie Shore and an Ashley Cole reunion.
When it was finally confirmed that she was joining the show, we were relieved – at least it would put an end to the hourly rehashed rumours in which sources close to Cheryl/Simon Cowell/Kimberley Walsh’s budgie’s mum would definitely maybe kind of imply that that she certainly probably theoretically would be on the show.
Were we sad to see Cheryl go? Yes, so much so that we eventually perfected her trademark technique of crying out of one eye while a contemporary pop hit with soaring string section and emotional key change played in the background. But we were excited too – our Cheryl-obsessed, now slightly bloodshot eyes enjoyed scrutinising pictures of her rocking up at the auditions in pretty polka-dot dresses.
We hoped she’d finally get over Ashley and bag herself a sexy American boyfriend (not tedious little Derek Hough – we were thinking more along the lines of Justin Timberlake).
We were also looking forward to mocking the inevitable Joss Stone accent she’d soon acquire, given that her new audience apparently couldn’t understand a word she said, like.
But it turns out all of this has been more pointless than Sinitta. And the worst thing about it?
Now we have to prepare ourselves for yet more mind-numbing speculation about the past, present and future of Cheryl and the show.
Did she jump or was she pushed? Did she know she was being screwed by Simon, hopefully only in one sense of the word?
Has she fallen out with Nicole Scherzinger? Is that even how you spell Scherzinger? And how does Cheryl feel now? Is she happy? Grumpy? Dopey? Doc? Bashful?
The whole thing is utterly ridiculous and has turned the X Factor into one big joke.
The role of the pretty, fluffy, popstar judge who can endure the occasional innuendo and occasional insult from Simon should be easy to fill and shouldn’t overshadow the show itself.
You’ll be fine though – you can have your old job back… no, actually, sorry, some bird from N-Dubz might be doing it instead and we’re a bit scared of her so… yeah… we’re not quite sure yet, to be honest. Sorry pet. Don’t sue us, yeah?”
We'd like to say we'll be forced to boycott the X Factor in protest at this farce, but that would really mess with our social life. It's OK though, we'll still come out of it with more conviction and integrity than Simon Cowell's currently exhibiting.
Best case scenario for Cheryl now: UK X Factor and a Girls Aloud reunion. Worst case scenario: Geordie Shore and an Ashley Cole reunion.
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